The Knowledge Tree

Dear Classic Tales,

I was wondering if you could explain to me why girls are so wierd. I am desperate to know.
Thanks,
~Peter Bronson

First off, girls need to fart more. I cant trust someone who doesnt fart. Girls are still one of the unsolved mysterious in life, considered more mysterious than even bubble wrap. It all begins with their chemical composition. Testosterone happens to be one of the most glorious gifts ever bestowed upon humanity, and thus is directly responsible for having created things such as: football, buffalo wings, spitting, muscle cars, blood, heavy metal and throwing rocks at trains. Girls have estrogen. Pffffffft. Heres a few things that contain estrogen: flowers, pink, clouds, poison, macintosh computers, volkswagon beetles, country music, yanni, two-hand touch football, doing homework, communism and soy products. Girls often sit around giggling and giving each other compliments. Any guy who has witnessed this will have a look of horror and confusion on his face and will often need time alone later to punch things. Guys have no need for this girlish behavior, however. We have advanced far past this stage. We can often express more in a single grunt or a stimulating punch in the neck. If a girl asks a guy what he's thinking, he will often reply with an answer far too complex for girls to understand such as "baseball stats" or "eating food". But if you look far deeper into the symbolism and metaphores appropriated with these preceding retorts, we can clearly see the intricacies of their response.

Drawing lace and flowers on your school work gives the impression that the person is seriously disturbed. Thinking peaceful thoughts in school? Serously! Any normal human would be drawing flames and skulls or creating a complicated escape plan to get out of there. And whats with good handwriting? That is just wasting precious time that you should rather spend looking at power tools or reving your car engine.

I'm not saying that we should inject testosterone into girls, cuz I've seen 7 foot behemoths with thick beards before. No, rather, we should just accept that girls are different from us guys. Different in a way that they shall never appreciate the beauty of a bar fight or eating a hotdog off of the floor. Yes men, trying to change them is wrong. Let us just accept them for what they are. Wierd.
~Classic Tales Founder

Dear Classic Tales,
If a sloth attacks you, do you run, or stay still and act dead?
~deadcorpse6

Well, as we all know, a sloth is a dangerous creature. Many a time me and my pals will be out shootin hoops and we will hear the horrible growl of a sloth approaching. A few men run, that is such a mistake. That sloth was upon them before their shadows had even moved and his razor sharp wings had cut them to bits. The ones that stayed still had soon succumb to the sloth's mind rays emitted from its horns. These rays can kill you or else make you run home cryin to your mama. Those that play dead are soon dead anyway, for a sloth loves nothing more than an easy meal. And also if you play dead, other animals such as boars, elephants, lions, and panthers that may be roaming the area might pick up on this and also wander by to snag a bite of your carcass. The best thing to do in the case of the sloth attack is to pretend that the Sloth is dead. That is how I lived able to tell this tale to you.
~Classic Tales Founder

---

Dear Classic Tales,
How do dorks like us, against the forces of nature and the odds of chaotic statistics, band together into a fellowship?
~RKNumb

Well sonny, this is an easy one. Dorks like you (plural), are able to band together into fellowships such as chess clubs, star trek clubs and study groups, because dorks are safer in numbers. In some countries dorks are hunted for their sinewy pelts. In these countries star trek clubs are usually large in numbers. It is true that the forces of nature are against you, in that Dorks are barely able to keep themselves alive no less function in society. We could go on all day telling "I once seen a dork" stories, and how we beat the crap out of them, but this is just another example of your chaotic statistics. And honestly, I once seen a dork in the hallway at school, so I punched him right in the neck.
~Classic Tales Founder

---

Dear Classic Tales,
-Do Leprechauns Really exsit? And are they really from Ireland?
~Narkwit

Yes lad, leprechauns are for real. I see them every now and then stealin my frickin socks. You think those are birds crappin on your car... nope, leprechauns. Its those little creeps that use canadian money in pop machines so when you get change, yep, canadian coins. Might as well put poop in there, its worth more. But contrary to popular beleif, leprechauns are not from ireland. About 76% of them are from Brooklyn, 10% are from Detroit and the other random %'s are from Africa. Gangsterchauns I call them. Don't you dare wander into a New York alley with a pot of gold, those rascals will cap you with hot lead.
~Classic Tales Founder

---

Dear Classic Tales,
What are the origins of the words Nards and Nuts? Please ponder and create the flowing flowchart of the Cycle of Nads. kill yourself too.
~carnarus


Well lad, I beleive you are speaking of the origins of the word "Nards". "Nards" was derived from "Gonads" originally but surpassed it in popularity. "Nards" also gave birth to the words "Nads", "Nodes" and the uncommonly used "Nuds". Scientists argue which came first, "Nads or Nuts", but that arguement is as old as time. They would like to beleive that the word "Nuts" was an original word and was not derived from "Nads" at all and vice versa. "Nuts" paved the way for the words "Nuggets", "Nugs", "Noogs" and "Noogets" and "Notes". So if you look carefully at the following cycle we get the following equation: NARDS = NUTS . If this is the case then the following equations are also true: NARDS = NADS = NODES = NOOGS = NOTES = NUTS. And also the same equation can be proved by NUTS = NUGS = NUGGETS = NOOGETS = NOOGS = NARDS. Thereby proving the equation NARDS = NUTS, and as we can see, all words in between these two words complete a cycle as shown in the flowchart below. This is a very complicated topic and I hope I have explained it well enough.

~Classic Tales Founder

---

Dear Classic Tales,
How do u come up with your stories?
~Bubba

A fine question indeed. I beleive you are refering to the plays. Well, before writing a play, I spend about seven days fasting and meditating. Then, by channeling unknown powers from the underworlds, I pour out the play in a ferocious medly of typing. I often grunt and sweat profusely. Once I am done, I collapse from fatigue and often don't wake for several days. Its quite strenuous to put out material of this calibre as you might realize.
~Classic Tales Founder

---